I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
