At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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