I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
