u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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