Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
