I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
