Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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