I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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