yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
