a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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