I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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