My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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