i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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