I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
