Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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