Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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