Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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