Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize