My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
