he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
