I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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