After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
