ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
