Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I don't deserve a penis
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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