On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
