I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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