I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
