My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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