Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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