I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
