it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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