i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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