you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
