I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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