I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
