fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
