I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
