did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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