does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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