Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
