Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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