got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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