Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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