Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
