im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
