I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
