He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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