i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
