but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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