can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
