He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
