Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
