if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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