Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
