Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
