My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
