I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
