I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
This toilet bowl is my home.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
