The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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