Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
