I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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