Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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