I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
