made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
