shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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