I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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